Edward's Birthday
by RainAndThunder1991
Summary: On Edwards b'day every year, something bad happens to him, why should this year be any different? Includes: Polar bears, Penquins, Stalkers, PeepingToms, and many other things in my sick, twisted, little mind.


**Note from the author: Happy Birthday Edward! **

June 20th

EPOV

I should have known today wouldn't go well. It never does, every year on my birthday something bad happens to me.

Last year, we went hunting somewhere exotic: Antartica. When we went hunting I got so excited that I tried to eat a penquin that a polar bear wanted. Long story short, by the end of the day I had my head stuck in a polar bears mouth, and it didn't want to let go.

My family spent the better part of and evening tried to pull my head out of the great beast's mouth. Not very much fun. In the end Emmett almost ripped the bearss jaws apart so I could even remotely get my head out. My family still makes fun of me.

The year before that, we decided to go up to Denali to visit relatives. While there, this really, really, ugly, crazy person decided that she was madly inlove with me and if I didn't feel the same way, she would end her life. For the whole day she kept on calling me (Emmett gave her the number) to tell me she loved me, over and over again! I know I'm hasome, but my God!

And for some wierd reason, I actually though today would go well, how could it not? I have Bella, and all is right in the world! Boy was I wrong...

18 Hours Earlier

The night before my birthday couldn't have gone better. I spent the night with Bella, as usual. "Edward, how old are you going to be in the morning?"

"I don't quite remember, I think 106, but it's hard to keep track..." Nothing good can come out of the this confersation. "I'm old enough to reconize a good thing when I see it."

"Is that so?" Bella said, already half asleep. I kissed her head, and she sighed. It wasn't long before she was completely unconsious.

For a few hours I waited for her to start talking in her sleep, but it was worth the wait. "Ed..ward?"

"Hmm?" Sometimes it's just fun to answer her.

"Edward, I, I want to see..."

"What do you want to see, love?" This should be good...

"I want to see your jock strap." Then she started snorning.

I was quiet for a few minutes trying to comprend what she just said to me. "What!?" What the heck had she been watching!?

Then she said "Oh, baby, I love it when you dance for me..."

At this point in time, I thought to myself 'She isn't allowed to watch TV anymore'.

"Shake those hips baby...shake them faster.."

After this point in time, I don't think it's a good idea if I tell you what else she said.

6 Hours Later

I was staring into space when my cell phone rang. Thinking it was one of my family members, I didn't bother to check caller I.D. Boy was that stupid.

"Hello?"

"I'm still thinking of you, lover. Think about what we could have had! You could of had me on top of you! Think about the fact that we could be swapping spit in this moment in time! I could be touching your thighs night now, going north---"

At this point in time, I cut her off "How the hell did you get this number! I thought I changed it! Quit calling freak!" Hopefully, she's not suisidal anymore.

To my surprise, she started giggling. "I got the number from Emmett, silly!"

Memo to self: make Emmett unick later.(For you slow students, that means having no genitills.)

"Did you now? One question, are you still suisidail?" Please say no, please say no, please say no...

"Nope I went to the doctor. That's the reason I called. I thought you like--"

I hung up. Then I turned off the phone.

In the next three hours, I had 100 missed messages. After seeing who they were all from, I deleted them without listening to any.

It was about an hour until Bella would come over, so I went back to my house so I could clean up.

After running the whole way, I decided that I would take care of Emmett after a shower.

After my shower, I headed for Emmet and Rose's room, I know I should have listened to see what they were doing, but I was so set on killing Emmett that I just walked in without knocking. Big mistake. You could only imagine what I saw. There they were, naked as jaybirds, going at it. Without covers, mind you.

I was speaechless. "Edward, get out, get out, GET OUT!" Rose started screaming.

Without saying a word, I ran as fast as I could run, which is pretty fast considering what I am.

I wasn't paying attention to where I was running and I ended up running into the tv and braking it. Emmett's gonna be mmmmmaaaaaddd. Serves him right though. I Guess we're just gonna have to buy a new one...

From the top of the stairs, I could hear my demented siblings laughing at me. "Your right hun, he did walk in on them!" Jasper. I could reconize that voice anywhere. And he was amused. I was not happy...

"Why didn't you believe me in the first place? I'm always right..."

I ran out of the house before I heard anymore and ripped them apart. I could deal with Emmett later.

When I brought over Bella, I figured my day would be perfect. Wrong again.

For the next few hours, it was horrible. But at least Bella was enjoying herself. When it came time to open birthday gifts, my mood wasn't in the least bit any better.

"Open mine, open mine!" Bella handed me her present. It was a new leather jacket. Bella had basically stolen mine, so she thought I would like it. Since Bella loves the color black on me, it was of course, black. I loved it.

"Thanks." Then I gave her a quick kiss.

"No prob."

Alice then handed me her and Jasper's present. It was a...puppy? "Thanks...I think. I'll call him...Zain!" He was pretty cute, I have to admitt. He was a Huskie.

Zain yepped and jumped into Bella's arms and fell asleep.

I glared at Emmett as he handed me the gift Rose and him bought. Inside the box was a piece of paper saying. _One Free Paint Job For Your Car Done By Rosalie_.

"Thanks guys. But I think it's time to take Bella home now.

I had a plan, it was stupid, juvinile, but a great plan. "Bella, love, I'll be right back, why don't you take a shower while I'm gone?"

"Okay, what do you have to do?"

"I have to take care of some...business. Be back soon."

Then I left and went to see if there was a tree by the bathroom. Bingo. There was. Then I waited, impationate, of course.

Then she walked in and started undressing. It didn't take long untill she was completely naked. She started to turn around and scratch her head. She saw me (Good thing I was in the shadows!) and screamed bloody murder, grabbed a towel, and ran to find her father. Mean while, I ran back to the bedroom.

After Bella told her father (said something about search warents and interigations), she dressed in the bathroom and ran into my arms. Amazingly, she didn't fall once.

"Edward, there was a peeping tom! I was so scared! You heard me scream, didn't you?"

"No, I'm sorry babe, I just got back! Charlie will find him!" For my sake I hope not. But I didn't tell her that.

Then I finally calmed her down. And Soon enough she was asleep. No harm done.

I think I could forgive Emmett though, for now at least. IT'S ON!

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**Note I don't own any of these characters.**


End file.
